Charlotte's Web Thoughts
Charlotte's Web Thoughts
Kid Rock Doesn't Know How to Shoot Straight

Kid Rock Doesn't Know How to Shoot Straight

Some helpful tips from a trans woman veteran.
(screenshot from Mr. Ritchie’s shooting attempt)

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You may have missed it in all the Trump indictment hoopla, but late last night, Kid Rock, aka Robert James Ritchie, posted a 35 sec. video on Twitter in which he fired an MP5 submachine gun in the direction of several cases of Bud Light resting on a table next to a lake. I say in the direction of several cases because he seemed to struggle in taking them out.

No, I’m not kidding. I’ll post it here for your convenience.

Mr. Ritchie was apparently upset that Bud Light—whose parent company is Anheuser-Busch—hired Dylan Mulvaney, a massively popular TikTok star, as one of their new brand ambassadors. She’s a nice lady and deserves her success. She also happens to be a trans woman, thus the bellyaching from social conservatives.

Normally, I’d be worried over Mr. Ritchie’s violent gun message concerning the inclusion of trans people — if he were capable of aiming correctly. Alas, he doesn’t appear to be much of a threat with firearms.

It turns out that worrying about Kid Rock shooting you is kinda like worrying about losing a spelling bee to Donald Trump. It ain’t worth the trouble.

Because I am a benevolent queen, I’ve decided to offer some feedback to Mr. Ritchie on how to fire his weapon. You see, despite being a star-spangled patriot, he never actually served in the military even though he was an able-bodied young man eligible to enlist during the Persian Gulf War and the War on Terrorism. So, you could forgive him for not knowing the basics.

Of course, it’s harder to forgive him for claiming to care about the troops but wearing a hat that honors a five-time draft dodger who called service members that died in combat “losers” and “suckers.”

But I did serve in the Army, in the infantry, and I was actually raised in the South around firearms, and as a woman who has fired plenty of assault rifles and machine guns in my lifetime, I’m happy to offer Mr. Ritchie some guidance.

As you can see in the video, Mr. Ritchie, no more than 20 yards away from his targets, practically point-blank range with that kinda weapon, struggles mightily to take down the cases of Bud Light. In fact, after his tantrum, two of the cases are still completely upright, barely even touched.

Sorry, that’s a tad inaccurate because it wasn’t just him firing. Although Mr. Ritchie implies in the video that he’s the only one shooting, one of his buddies is actually off-camera, just to the right of the frame, firing what appears to be a shotgun — given away by three blasts that nick the left side of the table and land in the lake behind it.

So, between the two of them combined, from 20 yards away, well… let’s just say these two gentleman should stick to their day jobs.

Okay, Mr. Ritchie, some tips:

First, always wear eye protection. You never know when the weapon may malfunction, nor guarantee where a bullet casing or excess gun powder or other debris might fly.

Ear protection is a good idea, too — especially for a musician who has been known to struggle with pitch. Just looking out for ya.

Let’s talk about your firing stance. It’s garbage. It needs work.

Your frame should be facing toward the target, not from the side. Feet shoulder width apart, right foot slightly behind the left (since you’re right-handed) about six inches. At the moment, your stance looks like you’re golfing, which is a bit ironic given that your shooting skills are… subpar.

You wanna keep your weight equally balanced on both feet and flex your knees a bit, something which I would think you’d be eager to do since you haven’t flexed a big chart hit in almost 15 years.

Your hand placement is alright, but for some strange reason, you got bad chicken wing going on. That’s when your firing elbow sticks all the way up and out, making it harder to stabilize the weapon. Bring it into your side. This’ll make it easier to aim, especially with the recoil.

And oh lord, that aim. Instead of sweeping your line-of-fire across the target, back-and-forth, and hoping something sticks, try holding your firing sight—that metal thingie popping up out of the top of the barrel—at the midsection of the target. Now, fire a controlled burst—that’s several rounds—and once you’ve hit it, move to the next one.

Not only will you be more accurate and faster in engaging targets, but you’ll save ammo — and whatever fish had the misfortune of being in that lake behind your target where most of you and your buddy’s rounds went.

Okay, let’s talk about the beer. You wasted a good $75—$100 of Bud Light. Now, where I come from, that’s a lot of money. You see, actual blue collar families can’t just drop a hundred bucks’ worth of beer for shits and giggles. That’s a waste.

I’m trying to be patient with you on this because I understand you’re the furthest thing from blue collar. You grew up on a palatial estate, apple picking and raising horses, because your daddy owned several car dealerships. Your family has wealth: six acres and a mansion with a tennis court, five-car garage, and guest house in lily-white Romeo, Michigan.

You’re about as southern and blue collar as Mitt Romney.

I was raised in trailer parks in Central Texas by actual rednecks, so I hope you’ll forgive me for being amused by seeing you struggle to cosplay one of my folks. I promise you it wasn’t especially romantic. We had what we had and tried to make the most of it. We couldn’t call daddy up and ask for a bridge loan.

If you feel I’ve reduced you to a caricature based on a few things in your bio, maybe it’s a sign you should get to know trans folks like myself and Ms. Mulvaney before you reduce us to caricatures based on your own assumptions.

Try being a straight shooter for once, Mr. Ritchie.

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Charlotte's Web Thoughts
Charlotte's Web Thoughts
Charlotte Clymer is a writer and LGBTQ advocate. You've probably seen her on Twitter (@cmclymer). This is the podcast version of her blog "Charlotte's Web Thoughts", which you can subscribe to here: