SEEKING: Bigot-sitter for Iconic Trivia Game Show

An exciting opportunity from hell.

(credit: 2021 Daytime Emmy Awards // Getty Images)

[For those who want to listen to this on-the-go, the audio version should be up on Apple’s podcast website soon. You can also listen here.]

An international media and technology conglomerate is seeking a compliant and discreet “bigot-sitter” for an iconic and beloved trivia game show. This is an exciting opportunity for a young woman (please, no girls over 25) to study at the feet of an older white man with an astonishing lack of experience for his position that’s only rivaled by a lack of empathy.

Competitive candidates will wear many hats with the understanding that the show is about celebrating the pursuit of knowledge, so it’s critical they do the work of ensuring the executive producer is actually thoughtful.

Priority will be given to candidates with extensive experience in a socially-conditioned role of being a walking rehabilitation center for toxic men. Considerable labor will be expected in educating the executive producer on ways in which he may demonstrate that he actually cares about other human beings.

Candidates should be educated but not uppity, articulate but mostly quiet, attractive but not slutty, hardworking but humble, and internally confident but keep that shit to yourself.

This is an iconic, global brand, so candidates will be expected to conduct themselves professionally at all times, in public and private. We have a zero tolerance policy for bigoted or otherwise disrespectful behavior, and thus, candidates will be responsible for ensuring the executive producer isn’t bigoted or disrespectful.

This is an entry level position in a fast-paced environment with many opportunities for making your boss look good, so please don’t be selfish with salary range. This isn’t about you.

The ideal candidate sees their role as something between a girlfriend and a mother, but please: no kids or preggies. Priority given to single gals.

Minimum qualifications:

• Graduate degree in psychology.

• 10 years of experience in early childhood education, particularly with behavioral problems.

• At least three letters of recommendation from white men over 50

Preferred qualifications:

• 39” bust, 18” waist, 33” hips

• No taller than 5’9, no shorter than 5’6

• Look, you’ve seen a Barbie, right? This isn’t rocket science.

Ah, shit, almost forgot. Gotta put this in here for the lawyers:

We do not discriminate on the basis of race, creed, color, ethnicity, national origin, religion, sex, sexual orientation, gender identity, gender expression, age, height, weight, physical or mental ability, veteran status, military obligations, parental obligations, or marital status.

Please don’t forget to resubmit your entire application in the individual sections of our online portal even if all the requested information is already on the resume and cover letter we asked you to send us.

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Hi, I’m Charlotte Clymer, and this is Charlotte’s Web Thoughts, my Substack. It’s completely free to access and read, but if you feel so moved to support my writing, please consider upgrading to a paid subscription: just $7/month or save money with the $70/annual sub. You can also go way above and beyond by becoming a Founding Member at $210.

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