The Worst Military Parade I've Ever Seen

Hands down.

(Trump and sycophants looked miserable at his parade.)

---

[This blog will always be free to read, but it’s also how I pay my bills. If you have suggestions or feedback on how I can earn your paid subscription, shoot me an email: cmclymer@gmail.com. And if this is too big of a commitment, I’m always thankful for a simple cup of coffee.]

---

Trump had his big birthday parade yesterday—falsely presented in the guise of celebrating the 250th anniversary of the establishment of the U.S. Army—and it was a major flop. Not only was it decidedly a failure, but I would argue it was the most embarrassing major official event ever witnessed on the National Mall.

For starters, parade organizers had planned for 200,000 in attendance, and at most, it wound up being less than half that. Bleachers along the parade route were starkly vacant, due in no small part to the glaring and compounding logistical incompetence, astutely outlined here by events expert Doug Landry, who was there to observe.

Attendees were ruthlessly bottlenecked by the curiously difficult infrastructure, crowd management was scarce (mostly handled by overwhelmed Army officers), the parade route was abysmally designed, and the thought put into public resources—from map graphics to refreshment stations—would have been better handled by Pre-K teachers.

Then there was the absolutely bizarre choice for a live cover of Creedence Clearwater Revival’s “Fortunate Son,” the Vietnam War protest anthem that’s one of the most famous anti-war, anti-capitalism, anti-nepotism rock tracks of all-time. Back in 2020, John Fogerty—who penned the song—said of Trump: “He IS the fortunate son.”

But the marching…

Merciful Lord, the marching was so very bad. In the most generous light—which is certainly undeserved—it was extremely atypical. Less generously, it was thoroughly embarrassing. I’m sorry, that’s the only way to describe it.

As some of you know, I served in the 3rd U.S. Infantry Regiment (The Old Guard), which is the oldest ceremonial unit—and the oldest active infantry unit—in the United States military.

In my enlisted days, I (reluctantly) spent thousands of tedious hours training in drill and ceremony. I’ve been in many hundreds of military parades, I’ve seen ceremonial marching across many different units and contexts, and I am aghast at what was on display yesterday.

When I got home last night from the highly successful “No Kings” protest organized by Indivisible Baltimore, I hadn't yet really seen the videos of bad marching that were circulating online, only grumbling about soldiers being out-of-step, and I just assumed it was maybe a viral video of one or two soldiers losing their rhythm and civilians being too critical.

I assumed wrong. It was pervasive. It was shocking. I was stunned watching the clips and then—much against my better judgment and desires—I went and (sigh) found a full live stream of the march—which I had certainly never planned to watch, by the way—and it was incredibly jarring.

We're not talking about an unfortunate moment here and there of lone soldiers losing their step. Entire marching elements were awkward, lackadaisical, and, at times, glaringly discombobulated on the parade route. This included the Army Era elements (soldiers dressed in historical uniforms), the Green Berets, and even the Old Guard (!!!).

I spent last night and this morning asking myself if I’m being too critical. I watched these clips repeatedly, attempting to view them in the best light possible.

I reflected on my own experience and expertise as an Old Guard alum and considered that maybe my standards are too high and unrealistic.

I wondered if my anti-Trump bias might be unfairly coloring my perception of the whole thing.

Again and again, I arrived at the same conclusion without fail: no, my eyes did not deceive me and my standards are not too high and I’m not being unfair.

That was, hands down, the worst military parade I’ve ever seen.

So, what happened?

Without knowing exactly what was ordered or structured by the producers and organizers and commanders, I've come up with some explanations, starting with the most generous framing.

First, several of the marching elements may have been ordered to “walk casually” during certain parts of the parade, I would assume for a character presentation of bygone eras.

Maybe the producers thought “Army Eras” marching elements needed to look more like the movies, so they insisted specific groups look like they’re out for a stroll during certain portions of the parade route.

Of course, that doesn't make such sense to me on any level, but it is the kindest assumption I can make in good faith. It means the producers and organizers had no idea what they’re doing, don't understand PR, didn't put enough effort into characterization, etc., and the soldiers wound up looking ridiculous.

Simply put: soldiers do not “casually walk” during a military parade. Ever. They march together. In-step. Crisply. As one unit floating along the parade surface.

But even if it were true that the producers unwisely tried something different, it still doesn't explain the COUNTLESS instances of marching elements that were mostly in-step but had anywhere from two to ten soldiers clearly out-of-step.

One soldier out-of-step in a marching element ain't great, two is really bad, and three will catalyze an angry sergeant to start yelling at the entire element to get its shit together.

I also want to be crystal clear about something for anyone who may not understand the military: marching in-step is quite easy. There’s truly nothing difficult about it. Sometimes, a good soldier just loses their place and quickly gets back into the correct step. I promise y’all: marching to a regular beat is not hard.

The sheer number of people who were out-of-step across different elements was completely bonkers. I felt like I was going crazy watching it.

Some of the missteps can be explained by the conflicting drumbeats along the parade route, but even then, the element commander or sergeant or in-element mark leader (a soldier within the formation tasked with focusing on the marching beat) can keep everyone on track with verbal commands. But that frequently wasn’t happening.

Not a great look. Embarrassing.

I’ve seen some kind and generous folks online point out that most of these soldiers are in units that don’t do a lot of marching because they’re thoroughly committed to doing the jobs for which they’re trained. That’s a lovely observation, and I say once again: there is no good excuse for any soldier to march out-of-step. None. Zilch.

So, what the hell happened?

I don’t believe this was intentional protest for or against anything, but I do believe it was intentional apathy and carelessness, borne out of understandable frustration with being treated like props for the benefit of an egomaniacal toddler.

I think a lot of these soldiers just didn’t care enough to do a good job. They had to do a full dress rehearsal on Friday (and likely rehearsed for weeks prior to the march), then likely had to get up early on Saturday to hurry-up-and-wait all day for an evening parade.

The best of part of their weekend—to say nothing of time wasted on the preparations over the past month—was spent on some stupid, unnecessary procession on the National Mall in service to hall-of-fame narcissism.

They wore heavy uniforms in the summer humidity (especially the heavy wool uniforms of the colonial era troops, good god). They were on their feet for several hours prior to the beginning of the march. Their comfort was clearly and entirely an afterthought.

This all led to a lot of soldiers clearly not giving a shit, particularly from the standpoint of the officers and sergeants who are ultimately responsible for how their troops look and obviously didn't put enough effort into keeping them squared away.

Does it matter? I would argue it very much does. That is the most undisciplined/"fuck it" attitude I've ever seen in a military parade by a country mile. It made me cringe constantly while watching.

They didn't give enough of a damn to respect the moment and/or their commanders were too uncaring to keep them looking polished for a public event of that extraordinary significance.

And I don’t blame them.

If I were treated like a prop for a mediocre, aspiring despot’s ego—particularly one who infamously called American war dead “losers” and “suckers”—I wouldn’t much care for how I looked marching either.

So, no, I do not believe this was some coordinated protest against Trump or “malicious incompetence” (as has been bandied about online), but I do think the troops who were assigned to march in this damn parade were rightly pissed and too tired to care how they looked.

Trump clearly doesn’t respect their service or their time, and they didn’t care enough to extend him the fawning respect—let alone the fascistic worship—he so desperately craves.

---

---