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TALLAHASSEE (CWT) — Florida Governor Ron DeSantis shocked political observers and reporters this morning at a press conference where he announced a statewide ban on Pink Floyd, the English progressive rock group generally considered by popular music critics to be one of the most influential bands of all-time.
The stunning move came less than a week after controversy erupted in response to the release of their 50th anniversary album logo for The Dark Side of the Moon—the group’s magnum opus—which prominently features a rainbow, harkening back to the original album cover that depicts light being shone through a glass prism and then dispersing into a spectrum of color. Because physics.
The logo design drew enraged criticism from many who felt the band were attempting to engage in “wokeness” by referencing the Pride flag, the LGBTQ-inclusive banner that was created by gay activist Gilbert Baker five years after the release of The Dark Side of the Moon.
At the press conference, DeSantis slammed the group as “attempting to push their sexual frivolity on children” and “the latest example of moral degenerates seeking to weaponize pop culture against families.”
DeSantis, who has spent the past few years engaging in an all-out attack on LGBTQ rights in the state, then proceeded to lament the “demise of rock ‘n’ roll” to incredulous political reporters in a series of awkward exchanges.
When asked by one journalist to elaborate on his misgivings over the trajectory of the genre, DeSantis pointed to legendary rock acts and pointedly asked why today’s music is so sexually immoral.
“You know, when I was in high school and college, rockers were men’s men,” he said in response to reporters. “I’d pop in a Judas Priest CD on the way to class and feel amped. You remember Rob Halford? That guy was a beast. Women loved him.”
Reporters, exchanging confused glances, asked DeSantis if he had any other favorites.
“Oh yeah, sure, I liked all kinds of stuff back then. I drove up with my old high school buddies to see Against Me! when they were first starting out and playing little gigs around the state. That was real punk rock. They understood that men are men and women are women.”
DeSantis appeared briefly confused at muffled laughter from the gathered press.
“I mean, look, you can laugh at my taste in music, but you can’t deny that men back then weren’t wearing dresses onstage. You’d never see Kurt Cobain or David Bowie dressing like women.”
At this point, the Governor’s press secretary attempted to intervene by rushing to the podium and claiming he was behind schedule.
“Wait, wait—”, DeSantis said, waving off his concerned staffer, “These people need to understand what real rock ‘n’ roll is. Uh, where was I?”
“Sir, you were saying Kurt Cobain never wore dresses,” a reporter called out.
“Right, thank you, men were men. Rock music in my high school days was about men playing music to attract girls. Even the weirder groups like The B-52s and Scissor Sisters played songs that made sense. We didn’t have all these queers on the radio, singing about their sexual depravity.”
“Governor DeSantis, you may want to—”, a Fox News reporter attempted to interject before being shushed by his colleagues.
“The music industry no longer makes good ol’ fashioned, red-blooded-American rock,” DeSantis continued, ignoring the interruption. “Where is today’s David Geffen? Even music critics are no longer manly. Back in my day, we had Jann Wenner.”
“Governor, that may be true for rock but what about pop in those days,” another journalist asked, struggling to suppress a smile.
“Pop music was never my thing,” DeSantis admitted. “But you’d have to admit that pop a few decades ago was still about boys playing music about girls. You remember Ricky Martin? That guy was surrounded by hot chicks. Boy bands, too. I’ll take Lance Bass and his buddies in N*SYNC over any of today’s sexually subversive music acts.”
Laughter broke out among the gathered press.
“Hey, this isn’t funny,” DeSantis chided them. “We’ve gotten away from the days when men knew rock is about extolling the virtues of women.”
“Freddie Mercury knew a thing or two about fat-bottomed girls.”
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