I’m really upset that NOBODY stepped in or stood up for you as an ally under that awning. Shame on them. I have stepped up in similar situations and there is strength in numbers. So much love to you from Seattle and Happy Pride. ❤️
Exactly this. My first thought was fuck all those people who did nothing. Evil wins when good people do nothing. I’m not saying you’re letting it win, Charlotte. Your grace is inspiring, but that’s beside the point of the filth trans people experience in this country.
I've been through Active Bystander training at my university after a horrific incident several years ago when a man harassed a couple of teenaged girls wearing hijab on public transit. I appreciate your story because it reminds me to remember what we were taught, and to be both brave and smart in the presence of unhinged people. For those of us wondering what we would do, the easiest and safest is to simply create a distraction by dropping something--your coffee, keys, bag, whatever.
I'm so sorry you have to endure this kind of crap, but also so grateful for all you do.
I'm not familiar with "Active Bystander training" but it sounds like a great idea. I try to teach something like that in my courses, but then I teach social psychology so it's on the syllabus.
I've followed as a free subscriber for quite a while now, and this is the post that inspired me to upgrade to a paid subscription. My step-kid is non-binary, recently married to a lovely trans lady and I can only hope that when someone confronts them with vileness that those around them will have their back.
For what it is worth, I think you choosing to ignore that person was the right thing to do, you never know how violent someone will be.
As far as this situation, I've only got one similar situation, in which a date and I witnessed a woman being sexually harassed by a drunk man at a subway stop. Everyone was ignoring it, the woman was obviously terrified, and I just walked up and started talking with her and asking her about her hair style. She quickly caught on, I quietly found out which train she was taking, and made a plan to get her on it by the three of us dashing on it at the last moment (luckily it was also my train, but I would have joined her anyway) in such a way as to block the drunk dude. We left him in the dust. I relate this story to give people ideas on how they can be allies and yet not put themselves in danger.
You are an important voice in today's world, Charlotte and I'm proud to support you with a paid subscription.
I wonder how best to handle the situation you faced in the rain, as a bystander. Nutcases like that get physical in an instant. As you say, it could bump up the tension even higher; this was probably one of those idiots looking for any excuse for a physical confrontation.
I loved one way a young man de-escalated a mean tirade a tall, buff man was throwing at a woman (racist remarks, in that case) on the New York Subway. The train was crowded, and the bystander fellow--a little guy by comparison--just kept moving and standing right in front of big guy, still reading his book, ignoring big guy entirely, but making it difficult for him to get anywhere near to the woman. But he made it look unintended, bumbling and stumbling back and forth as the train swayed. The guy threatening the woman was confused and angry, got defused by the constant obstruction and especially the fact people started smiling at the antics.
There is nothing like having a whole group of people standing around the bully silently showing they don't approve. The bully dissolves into muttering, sulking, and claiming he/she is the victim of bullying, is my experience. But the bully does back down. What bullies really want is crowds confirming they are right, recognizing them as a leader. When the opposite happens, it deflates them in most cases.
Oh Charlotte, this makes me sad for you. I’m so very sorry that you have to endure situations like that. It’s disheartening to know no one had your back. Please continue to shine your bright light, you’ve no idea of the positive impact you have.
It takes great courage to be an optimist. Especially under these circumstances. But you strike me as an incredibly courageous woman. Don’t ever give up.
Charlotte, please keep speaking up about these occurrences. Your allys want to amplify what trans people go through. If 1 person stops and reflects it is a good thing. And I'm sorry you were accosted by such a lout.
I enjoyed your positive stories, thanks for sharing. And allys, please speak up when you see people being harassed.
You've powerfully expressed the kinship you feel with your fellow human, and what it feels like to have that sense of community completely trashed and spat upon by the hateful. And that's really what they are, people who embrace hatred, because deep down, they are hurt, confused, or have embraced evil in one way or another. Hang in there. Because you're right, it can't be ignored: violence against the trans community is at an all-time-high, and it's horrific how little protections are offered, and how few step in to defend their fellow human being. But for every terrible human there is out there, there are ten more decent ones who, unfortunately, do often keep to themselves or avoid conflict. Just know this: were I or many others to have stood next to you under that awning and witnessed that atrocity, we would have stood *with* you. And we may be few, but we are strong. Hang in there. We may be few, but we have your back, if only in spirit some days.
Thank you for your always insightful and inspiring essays. It saddens me that no one under that awning had your back. Perhaps they were afraid that crazy man would turn on them. But we all need to support each other in these wild times. And hopefully we will get respite by remembering the good things as we continue the fight against the bad guys.
Thank you, Charlotte, for sharing this story with us. I know it sounds a bit strange for me to be thanking you for this post, but to share your vulnerability, your self-questioning, draws us into a circle of the intimacy of friends who care. I suspect that it's at a personal cost for you, but each connection you make with us, your fans, your readers, is a link in the chain that strengthens our sense of community. I'd like to think that I would have had your back, or at least the courage to walk away with you from the hate-spewing man so you would know that you are not alone. Maybe I wouldn't have, but you've made me think about it, and thinking about it might give me the strength to be that kind of friend if I find myself in a similar situation in the future. So thank you, and bless you for being your beautiful, thoughtful self. Sending much love and admiration. xo
Thank you so much for sharing all of it, the good and the bad. I've been trying to get my trans daughter's school to host bystander training. I'll try even harder now.
"And so, it came as quite a shock when a man joined us under the awning, noticed my presence, and then began harassing me with vile, transphobic remarks — at first, with a slightly raised voice and then full-on yelling. Screaming. Spit coming out of his mouth as he berated me from less than 10 feet away."
But seriously, thank you for sharing the beautiful stories of kindness.💙
There have been times recently when my emotions have overwhelmed me. I can’t stop crying. I felt that when I read this latest column. I’m so sad. I saw the moment as I read, like it was happening to me. I could see this man, and how no one said a word, as he let fly one disgusting thing after another. I felt the pain you felt as it became too much…and then to process it all afterwards so that a positive self regard remains intact somehow. Thank you for sharing this, and thank you for being so eloquent with your words. I am a trans woman. From the moment I first read your work you have inspired me and represented our community in the best light. I am so grateful for you. We are blessed to have someone like you, as your courage gives us all hope for a brighter future. I am in awe.
Charlotte, you are doing holy work, through this blog and everywhere you go. Please try not to second-guess yourself. You are so wise and loving. I pray that will carry you through.
I’m really upset that NOBODY stepped in or stood up for you as an ally under that awning. Shame on them. I have stepped up in similar situations and there is strength in numbers. So much love to you from Seattle and Happy Pride. ❤️
Exactly this. My first thought was fuck all those people who did nothing. Evil wins when good people do nothing. I’m not saying you’re letting it win, Charlotte. Your grace is inspiring, but that’s beside the point of the filth trans people experience in this country.
I've been through Active Bystander training at my university after a horrific incident several years ago when a man harassed a couple of teenaged girls wearing hijab on public transit. I appreciate your story because it reminds me to remember what we were taught, and to be both brave and smart in the presence of unhinged people. For those of us wondering what we would do, the easiest and safest is to simply create a distraction by dropping something--your coffee, keys, bag, whatever.
I'm so sorry you have to endure this kind of crap, but also so grateful for all you do.
Thank you for this helpful tip.
I'm not familiar with "Active Bystander training" but it sounds like a great idea. I try to teach something like that in my courses, but then I teach social psychology so it's on the syllabus.
I've followed as a free subscriber for quite a while now, and this is the post that inspired me to upgrade to a paid subscription. My step-kid is non-binary, recently married to a lovely trans lady and I can only hope that when someone confronts them with vileness that those around them will have their back.
For what it is worth, I think you choosing to ignore that person was the right thing to do, you never know how violent someone will be.
As far as this situation, I've only got one similar situation, in which a date and I witnessed a woman being sexually harassed by a drunk man at a subway stop. Everyone was ignoring it, the woman was obviously terrified, and I just walked up and started talking with her and asking her about her hair style. She quickly caught on, I quietly found out which train she was taking, and made a plan to get her on it by the three of us dashing on it at the last moment (luckily it was also my train, but I would have joined her anyway) in such a way as to block the drunk dude. We left him in the dust. I relate this story to give people ideas on how they can be allies and yet not put themselves in danger.
You are an important voice in today's world, Charlotte and I'm proud to support you with a paid subscription.
Happy Pride Month!
I wonder how best to handle the situation you faced in the rain, as a bystander. Nutcases like that get physical in an instant. As you say, it could bump up the tension even higher; this was probably one of those idiots looking for any excuse for a physical confrontation.
I loved one way a young man de-escalated a mean tirade a tall, buff man was throwing at a woman (racist remarks, in that case) on the New York Subway. The train was crowded, and the bystander fellow--a little guy by comparison--just kept moving and standing right in front of big guy, still reading his book, ignoring big guy entirely, but making it difficult for him to get anywhere near to the woman. But he made it look unintended, bumbling and stumbling back and forth as the train swayed. The guy threatening the woman was confused and angry, got defused by the constant obstruction and especially the fact people started smiling at the antics.
There is nothing like having a whole group of people standing around the bully silently showing they don't approve. The bully dissolves into muttering, sulking, and claiming he/she is the victim of bullying, is my experience. But the bully does back down. What bullies really want is crowds confirming they are right, recognizing them as a leader. When the opposite happens, it deflates them in most cases.
Oh Charlotte, this makes me sad for you. I’m so very sorry that you have to endure situations like that. It’s disheartening to know no one had your back. Please continue to shine your bright light, you’ve no idea of the positive impact you have.
It takes great courage to be an optimist. Especially under these circumstances. But you strike me as an incredibly courageous woman. Don’t ever give up.
Charlotte,
I am so sorry that man was so horrid to you. And how terrifying that he was screaming and no one stepped in to help.
Thank you for sharing your stories of allyship. I hope it encourages and empowers your readers to be better allies.
And thank you for sharing your words and wisdom with us. I really enjoy your writing and your tremendous knowledge, grace and empathy.
Charlotte, please keep speaking up about these occurrences. Your allys want to amplify what trans people go through. If 1 person stops and reflects it is a good thing. And I'm sorry you were accosted by such a lout.
I enjoyed your positive stories, thanks for sharing. And allys, please speak up when you see people being harassed.
You've powerfully expressed the kinship you feel with your fellow human, and what it feels like to have that sense of community completely trashed and spat upon by the hateful. And that's really what they are, people who embrace hatred, because deep down, they are hurt, confused, or have embraced evil in one way or another. Hang in there. Because you're right, it can't be ignored: violence against the trans community is at an all-time-high, and it's horrific how little protections are offered, and how few step in to defend their fellow human being. But for every terrible human there is out there, there are ten more decent ones who, unfortunately, do often keep to themselves or avoid conflict. Just know this: were I or many others to have stood next to you under that awning and witnessed that atrocity, we would have stood *with* you. And we may be few, but we are strong. Hang in there. We may be few, but we have your back, if only in spirit some days.
Thank you for your always insightful and inspiring essays. It saddens me that no one under that awning had your back. Perhaps they were afraid that crazy man would turn on them. But we all need to support each other in these wild times. And hopefully we will get respite by remembering the good things as we continue the fight against the bad guys.
Thank you, Charlotte, for sharing this story with us. I know it sounds a bit strange for me to be thanking you for this post, but to share your vulnerability, your self-questioning, draws us into a circle of the intimacy of friends who care. I suspect that it's at a personal cost for you, but each connection you make with us, your fans, your readers, is a link in the chain that strengthens our sense of community. I'd like to think that I would have had your back, or at least the courage to walk away with you from the hate-spewing man so you would know that you are not alone. Maybe I wouldn't have, but you've made me think about it, and thinking about it might give me the strength to be that kind of friend if I find myself in a similar situation in the future. So thank you, and bless you for being your beautiful, thoughtful self. Sending much love and admiration. xo
Thank you so much for sharing all of it, the good and the bad. I've been trying to get my trans daughter's school to host bystander training. I'll try even harder now.
Sounds like tRump escaped his handlers🙄
"And so, it came as quite a shock when a man joined us under the awning, noticed my presence, and then began harassing me with vile, transphobic remarks — at first, with a slightly raised voice and then full-on yelling. Screaming. Spit coming out of his mouth as he berated me from less than 10 feet away."
But seriously, thank you for sharing the beautiful stories of kindness.💙
What an awful experience! I’d give you a hug in person, but hope you’ll settle for a virtual hug!
There have been times recently when my emotions have overwhelmed me. I can’t stop crying. I felt that when I read this latest column. I’m so sad. I saw the moment as I read, like it was happening to me. I could see this man, and how no one said a word, as he let fly one disgusting thing after another. I felt the pain you felt as it became too much…and then to process it all afterwards so that a positive self regard remains intact somehow. Thank you for sharing this, and thank you for being so eloquent with your words. I am a trans woman. From the moment I first read your work you have inspired me and represented our community in the best light. I am so grateful for you. We are blessed to have someone like you, as your courage gives us all hope for a brighter future. I am in awe.
Charlotte, you are doing holy work, through this blog and everywhere you go. Please try not to second-guess yourself. You are so wise and loving. I pray that will carry you through.
Also, I hope soon to be able support you with more than words!