Our Meeting Regarding Zombie Elephants

We will talk about a plan.

(Unconfirmed sighting of zombie elephant. Image credit: Sheldrickfalls.)

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Dear Community:

As we’re sure you have heard by now, a massive herd of what appear to be zombie elephants are currently barreling toward our peaceful hamlet with no care for the death and destruction left in their wake.

Although their undead qualities are not yet confirmed, the behavior of these notably aggressive pachyderms largely indicates a medical condition that would not be dissimilar to the consequences of rabies crossed with methamphetamine.

Their sole desire seems to be eating humans.

We are, of course, concerned.

There has been a general awareness among us—your leadership—of the severity of this threat for a few months, but it wasn’t until the past couple days that we realized a plan may be needed to adequately address this problem.

We were hoping things would work out normally, that perhaps some kind of bargain could be reached with the frothing mastodons, with stern warnings about the destruction they could cause, but starving as they seem to be for human flesh, we must reluctantly conclude that this approach has failed.

It just makes our stomachs turn.

As you will probably recall, this is not the first time zombie elephants have posed a grave threat to our safety.

Years ago, we navigated the fatal and existential consequences of these decaying mammoths rampaging through our community, and so, it is incumbent upon us to tell you all that we can prevail through this.

The herd of zombie elephants are estimated to arrive in less than 48 hours.

As your leaders, we want to assure you that we will be meeting tomorrow afternoon to discuss this crisis and form a committee that addresses all your concerns.

In the meantime, we encourage you to remember:

Zombie elephants come and zombie elephants go.

Through it all.

God is still on the throne.

Sincerely,

Your Leadership

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