We Don't Really Know But Trust Us
Nothing to see here.
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Iran might have nuclear weapons, but if they don’t have nuclear weapons, they’re definitely developing nuclear weapons.
Even if they’re not developing nuclear weapons, they’re definitely getting ready to develop nuclear weapons.
Okay, there’s a chance they may not be getting ready to develop nuclear weapons, but they have the capability to develop nuclear weapons.
Look, regardless of whether or not they have the capability to develop nuclear weapons, they definitely wish they could develop nuclear weapons and wishing for something is as good as it being real.
We have the best intelligence in the world—big, beautiful intelligence, many people are saying—and our intelligence community does intelligence and community better than anyone else, but also: they’re completely and abysmally wrong that Iran isn’t developing nuclear weapons.
Our Director of National Intelligence, Tulsi Gabbard, said a few months ago in testimony to Congress that Iran isn’t developing nuclear weapons and that Iranian Supreme Leader Ayatollah Khamenei hasn’t restarted the nuclear weapons program that he suspended more than two decades ago, but she’s completely wrong about that and, no, we will not elaborate further on why she’s wrong or if she knowingly committed perjury or if she’s astonishingly unqualified to be our Director of National Intelligence given that her testimony could not have been more inaccurate on such a national security matter of the gravest consequence.
And yes, it’s true that Donald Trump was, as of two days ago, apparently unaware that his Director of National Intelligence had testified to Congress that Iran isn’t developing nuclear weapons, probably because he never reads his security briefings and struggles to retain even basic information about our national security, but none of that matters because she’s wrong and the intelligence community is wrong and Iran is definitely, probably, maybe, slightly, subtly, silently, invisibly, magically developing nuclear weapons.
We had to strike these facilities in Iran, you see, because they’re definitely developing nuclear weapons. We have zero credible evidence that nuclear weapons are being developed but we’re pretty sure they are. We’re pretty sure they’re close. They might have nuclear weapons right now. We have no evidence to support that, but on the safe side, let’s bomb them anyway.
We had to act now. We couldn’t wait for Congress to authorize it. That would have required us to establish Iran as an imminent threat to our national security, which we totally could have done even though the intelligence community is completely wrong in their assessment that Iran isn’t an imminent threat.
We have great intelligence, and the intelligence is wrong.
Listen, the president’s job is to protect the country. That’s in the Constitution, which we don’t really respect, but what people who are against this don’t realize is that there’s nothing more American than selectively respecting our most cherished texts.
This is a Christian nation. We love you, God. Your Son talked about poverty and peace more than almost anything else. He preached against wealth and violence. He said the least among us are the greatest. The poor are the closest to God. He said to turn the other cheek. He claimed God spoke through him. He is our Savior. We believe him on all things. He is infallible. He is never wrong.
He’s probably wrong on this.
We love you, God. Christ reigns over all, but he’s a bit of a commie, let’s be honest. We pray to you, oh God, that your Son, our Savior, turns away from Marxism.
No, we don’t know Marxism, but to be fair, we also don’t know Christianity.
“No new wars.”
We said that many times during the campaign. That was one of our slogans. It’s still true. There will be no new wars. The Democrats like wars. We don’t like wars. It’s all about America first, and that means no new wars. We promise.
This isn’t a new war. This isn’t even a war. Does bombing a country count as a war? We don’t know, but we’re pretty sure it doesn’t count. Unless people like it. If they like this, it’s definitely a war. If they don’t, it’s not a war.
The American people oppose military action against Iran, but they probably secretly support it. They probably secretly love it. They probably want it more than anything.
They probably secretly love what we did in Iraq and what we did in Afghanistan. They probably secretly love the devastation. They probably secretly love seeing their children shipped off to war.
Even if they don’t secretly love it, they voted for this. Americans don’t really know what they want.
I know they want me. I’m the greatest president ever. Everyone wants me. I want me. God wants me. I don’t know God, but if I did, I’m sure God would want me. God thinks I should have unlimited power. God told me so. God said to bypass Congress and bomb Iran. God told me to start a war.
Stop asking questions. I can do whatever I want. I’ll bomb anyone I want.
I’ll send any of your children to war. Not my own children but yours? Definitely.
Just shut up. No one asked you.
Trust us.
This is brilliant Charlotte.
This is sad, infuriating, funny and all too true. Excellent work Charlotte.